she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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