just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
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