So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
