I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
