I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
