I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
