We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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