listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
