Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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