i need an iv and a liver transplant
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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