What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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