You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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