But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
