how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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