One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
