I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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