I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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