My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
