Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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