I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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