If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
