You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
