There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
