I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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