The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
