I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Randomize
