I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
