i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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