how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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