haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
