there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
