Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
