I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
