I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
