When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
