No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
