Texts From Last Night · Rikoshi's Favorites

Sorry JoeDela hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Rikoshi's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(317): View more from Indiana

I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.

Fav 6 1730 999
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

Fav 24 6915 1240
share tweet

(618): View more from Illinois

This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?

Fav 9 2109 1086
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17233 1494
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

Fav 9 2861 1096
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.

Fav 7 1763 1168
share tweet

(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

Fav 20 4018 2336
share tweet

(858): View more from California

No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

Fav 17 3591 1269
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

Fav 16 3447 1133
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Fav 2 2852 1089
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

Fav 10 2879 994
share tweet

(859): View more from Kentucky

I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning

Fav 6 1367 1865
share tweet

(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

Fav 12 5470 1125
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I feel awful

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Physically or morally

(513): View more from Ohio

Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.

Fav 10 2883 1014
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.

(719): View more from Colorado

this better not be you asking for a beej

Fav 14 1668 2656
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?

Fav 13 1058 2714
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

Fav 15 1349 2686
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

Fav 4 5780 1299
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic

Fav 7 1359 2387
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.

Fav 6 2538 1039
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

Fav 8 5006 1301
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

Fav 24 8270 1679
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

Fav 11 8308 1472
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

Fav 21 1085 6010
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.

Fav 18 1063 3547
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

Fav 10 3131 1199
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

Fav 24 7883 1504
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

Fav 26 7867 1360
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

Fav 14 8903 1453
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

Fav 11 1896 1323
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

Fav 6 3043 1221
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

Fav 5 1911 1279
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.

Fav 1 2191 1014
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.

Fav 2 1691 1018
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

Fav 6 1112 1931
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

Fav 7 3824 1252
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

Fav 19 4167 1228
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

Fav 17 5385 1049
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

Fav 53 1583 4153
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

Fav 11 3871 1084
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

Fav 25 5985 1805
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.

Fav 29 1576 4248
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.

Fav 11 1374 2245
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

Fav 51 1253 11028
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry

(1-307): View more from Wyoming

I'm hurrying

(307): View more from Wyoming

Dude. She just shit herself.

Fav 21 1227 4448
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

Fav 16 1728 3490
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

Fav 19 3495 2057
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse

Fav 5 2086 1009
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

Fav 9 4570 1231
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

Fav 32 2139 6313
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

Fav 4 2011 1138
share tweet
(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

Fav 19 5534 1769
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

Fav 13 1858 4301
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.

Fav 16 3806 1038
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.

Fav 6 1853 1188
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job

Fav 8 1579 903
share tweet
(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

Fav 6 3725 1084
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

Fav 9 1650 2112
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.

Fav 5 1614 1012
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

Fav 10 2450 1333
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?

Fav 6 2031 1137
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

Fav 7 1354 4028
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

Fav 2 2537 1123
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

Fav 13 4841 1202
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.

Fav 8 2377 1189
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?

Fav 3 2051 1381
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

Fav 27 10891 1408
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

Fav 11 1497 2162
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

Fav 9 4653 1099
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

Fav 26 9660 1374
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

Fav 20 6556 1320
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

Fav 8 3003 1253
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

Fav 16 1246 3597
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?

Fav 5 2352 834
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

Fav 23 4717 1331
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

Fav 5 5055 1286
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

Fav 10 3614 1228
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here

Fav 4 2200 1031
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.

Fav 12 2910 906
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7728 42053
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8444 56809
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

Fav 105 4842 68214
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".

Fav 3 2583 1154
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

Fav 6 3753 1181
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

Fav 14 7886 1388
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.

Fav 7 2249 1085
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

Fav 14 4980 1471
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

Fav 20 3371 1126
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina

Fav 7 913 3012
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

Fav 9 5968 1271
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

Fav 10 5389 1420
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

Fav 7 5331 1098
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5755 1340
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

Fav 8 5524 1329
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

Fav 23 5627 1212
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

Fav 10 6028 1092
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1483
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up

Fav 10 947 1912
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

Fav 7 2432 1264
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

Fav 33 1505 3203
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

Fav 11 1330 3460
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

Fav 7 3324 1516
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

Fav 13 3998 1690
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13

Fav 7 1539 2792
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

There's always time for handjobs

Fav 13 2928 979
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

Fav 16 1438 5544
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

Fav 6 4280 1155
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

Fav 26 4165 1294
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

Fav 6 3953 982
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

Fav 5 2711 1208
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

Fav 9 3184 1187
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt

Fav 8 1308 3147
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.

Fav 10 3051 1217
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

Fav 35 3405 1912
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

Fav 12 3392 1367
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.

Fav 9 1727 1996
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

Fav 4 2781 1534
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.

Fav 9 3274 1207
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

Fav 13 3466 1383
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

Fav 8 2785 1258
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.

Fav 9 1025 3434
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

Fav 6 3049 1255
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

Fav 5 3684 1166
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.

Fav 9 2607 1256
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

Fav 19 3521 1575
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

Fav 7 2425 1337
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

Fav 12 3784 1156
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I stole so many things from the ER last night.

Fav 10 2934 1279
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

Fav 17 4102 1258
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

Fav 6 4652 1100
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

Fav 9 3222 1507
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

Fav 16 4780 1510
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

Fav 15 3435 994
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

Fav 13 4108 1362
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Fav 20 3317 5171
share tweet
(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

Fav 16 3938 1289
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

Fav 2 2883 1044
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn

Fav 12 3139 1619
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

Fav 5 5103 1238
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

Fav 22 5617 1471
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

Fav 23 5968 1458
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

Fav 10 3229 1270
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

Fav 15 4900 4359
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?

Fav 6 1442 3298
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

Fav 11 1439 3877
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

Fav 5 2653 1019
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

Fav 9 1752 2622
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.

Fav 10 1676 2561
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

Fav 11 3084 1772
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.

Fav 16 3436 1485
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6437 1597
share tweet
(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

Fav 19 4577 1997
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.

Fav 7 3007 1263
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.

Fav 6 2166 1616
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

Fav 8 3993 1120
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

Fav 17 4696 1283
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant

Fav 19 1460 3181
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.

Fav 11 2777 1282
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

Fav 22 4300 1273
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

Fav 16 3897 1660
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

Fav 7 3836 2033
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

Fav 30 1771 7852
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

Fav 11 6099 1310
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

Fav 33 1840 3346
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

Fav 47 2196 7564
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

Fav 39 2500 7756
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

Fav 35 1299 8289
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

Fav 14 1641 4834
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

Fav 12 7611 1539
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

Fav 18 8621 1351
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

Fav 22 9104 1245
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

Fav 34 9701 2773
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11788 1401
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

Fav 30 12727 1623
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

Fav 23 6366 1890
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

Fav 21 8100 1542
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

Fav 37 9676 1869
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

Fav 8 3818 1278
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

Fav 7 3253 1334
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

Fav 7 4026 1716
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

Fav 4 2467 1243
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

Fav 5 3199 1388
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

Fav 4 2244 1209
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

Fav 11 3617 1332
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?

Fav 10 1205 2983
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.

Fav 10 2615 1569
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

Fav 64 1787 4971
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.

Fav 13 1157 4359
share tweet
(858): View more from California

ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL

Fav 7 1986 1157
share tweet
(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

Fav 10 3645 1244
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

Fav 5 3612 1326
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.

Fav 13 2723 1663
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

Fav 16 4894 1189
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

Fav 11 3555 1390
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.

Fav 4 2474 1126
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

Fav 15 7400 1221
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

Fav 24 7075 2396
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

Fav 10 1634 3238
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

Fav 22 6406 2051
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

Fav 5 2524 1117
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

Fav 5 3895 1209
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.

Fav 15 1860 3854
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

Fav 24 8757 1373
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

Fav 30 8250 1362
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

Fav 6 4745 1207
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

Fav 28 1784 5712
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser

Fav 3 2565 1191
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

Fav 6 2485 1227
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

Fav 21 3749 1245
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

Fav 13 3211 1475
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

Fav 22 5597 1467
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

Fav 30 7438 1260
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good

Fav 11 1135 4431
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

Fav 21 8696 1265
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

Fav 18 5099 1426
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

Fav 26 5190 1405
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

Fav 8 1468 4261
share tweet
(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

Fav 21 3021 3844
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

Fav 24 4530 1364
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

Fav 15 4132 1192
share tweet
(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

Fav 25 3955 6649
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

Fav 11 5104 2360
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

Fav 20 2837 4503
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

Fav 35 9717 2200
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

Fav 12 4479 1144
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome

Fav 7 3073 1621
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

Fav 23 1237 3699
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

Fav 21 5238 1880
share tweet
(909): View more from California

If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?

Fav 14 1287 4457
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.

Fav 6 2729 1257
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

Fav 25 10801 1994
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times

Fav 19 4577 1842
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning

Fav 6 2394 1276
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

Fav 39 2463 4731
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

Fav 29 1988 4232
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

Fav 7 4938 1942
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

Fav 21 6620 1328
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.

Fav 7 1147 3449
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

Fav 16 1536 4510
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

Fav 17 1266 4476
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

Fav 15 4273 1774
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

Fav 19 4800 1495
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

Fav 20 5205 1153
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.

Fav 40 1181 7997
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

Fav 24 6406 1956
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

Fav 23 1739 3833
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

Fav 5 3345 1657
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards

Fav 12 1546 3242
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

Fav 3 4107 1077
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room

Fav 5 935 3506
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.

Fav 7 3370 1186
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

Fav 28 2704 3241
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

Fav 7 6038 1503
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

Fav 16 6461 1500
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.

Fav 4 4240 981
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

Fav 4 4381 1267
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

Fav 6 3149 1350
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

Fav 17 12045 1495
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

Fav 10 4499 1313
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

Fav 3 3332 1344
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

Fav 19 8740 1438
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

Fav 20 8984 1645
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

Fav 23 2235 5679
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

Fav 7 4488 1131
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

Fav 17 4521 4095
share tweet
(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

Fav 9 4615 1461
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

Fav 7 6022 1254
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

Fav 11 7157 1982
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.

Fav 8 5248 1053
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

Fav 12 6140 1229
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

Fav 7 5092 1251
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.

Fav 9 3568 1286
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.

Fav 5 3274 1226
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

Fav 37 16399 1541
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

Fav 8 4275 1676
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

Fav 37 1933 4427
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

Fav 12 1618 4890
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

Fav 16 7276 2628
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

Fav 14 4048 2100
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

Fav 2 3066 1229
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

Fav 19 7156 2828
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

Fav 3 5662 1526
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

Fav 21 1598 5136
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

Fav 9 3623 1227
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

Fav 7 6452 2168
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

Fav 14 5085 1263
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

Fav 5 1581 3809
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

Fav 17 6773 1373
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

Fav 21 9061 1426
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

Fav 20 5759 1322
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

Fav 2 3978 1093
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

Fav 6 3031 1478
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.

Fav 1 1316 2397
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

Fav 26 6477 1239
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

Fav 9 3955 1210
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

Fav 9 4182 1275
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

Fav 13 4817 1722
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.

Fav 11 3452 1351
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

Fav 18 1265 4721
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

Fav 13 3661 1164
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

Fav 14 4013 1140
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

Fav 7 3770 1872
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.

Fav 15 3406 1169
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!

Fav 2 2588 1112
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

Fav 13 5354 1465
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

Fav 8 3190 1971
share tweet
(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

Fav 19 4894 1461
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

Fav 20 5446 1596
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.

Fav 8 1517 2584
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

Fav 3 3241 1015
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

Fav 10 10106 1297
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

Fav 4 2310 3404
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

Fav 5 3435 1108
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

Fav 20 1102 8298
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25976 2501
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

Fav 5 4773 1199
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

Fav 12 1631 4683
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat

Fav 3 1335 3487
share tweet
(+32): View more from Belgium

this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk

Fav 8 3340 1284
share tweet
(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

Fav 17 7100 1201
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

Fav 18 2177 5056
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

Fav 15 9006 1564
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.

Fav 5 3563 1459
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

Fav 13 6614 1853
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

Fav 9 4856 1546
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

Fav 16 1060 5116
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.

Fav 7 2784 940
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

Fav 9 4486 1306
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

Fav 17 2020 5588
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

Fav 12 4877 1344
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

Fav 6 4165 1343
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

Fav 39 12257 1749
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

Fav 15 14676 1665
share tweet
(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

Fav 7 3296 1027
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

Fav 10 2778 3946
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

Fav 7 4007 1507
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...

Fav 3 2445 1165
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...

Fav 3 3681 1043
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS

Fav 11 1707 3676
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving

Fav 7 3820 1617
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

Fav 14 3525 1623
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

Fav 5 1114 3930
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1216
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

Fav 11 7470 1415
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

Fav 5 4899 1354
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

Fav 6 1316 3061
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

Fav 7 2064 3896
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

Fav 34 6535 2040
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.

Fav 15 1381 3886
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

Fav 7 4029 1911
share tweet
(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

Fav 13 6760 1387
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

Fav 9 3183 1508
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

Fav 12 6621 1415
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

Fav 5 4289 1612
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

Fav 10 4420 1457
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

Fav 20 5134 1884
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

Fav 11 7083 1284
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

Fav 12 5456 1264
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

Fav 13 6110 1237
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

Fav 28 2344 5394
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

Fav 14 6483 2055
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3

Fav 10 3539 1269
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

Fav 10 5090 1340
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

Fav 12 1478 4325
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

Fav 8 4291 1177
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

Fav 8 5403 1731
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

Fav 5 4950 1234
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

Fav 17 3736 1769
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

Fav 11 4235 1381
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

Fav 11 9479 1437
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

Fav 30 10993 1278
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

Fav 9 4720 1572
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

Fav 8 3609 1358
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

Fav 8 3452 1438
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.

Fav 4 3400 1186
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

Fav 19 5002 1528
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.

Fav 4 3234 1098
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

Fav 24 5945 1372
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

Fav 12 5517 1785
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

Fav 26 3603 1572
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

Fav 13 5382 1288
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

Fav 16 4983 2416
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

Fav 15 4739 1665
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

Fav 10 4665 1458
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.

Fav 7 1658 2914
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

Fav 14 1633 3531
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job

Fav 27 1796 3693
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

Fav 25 4466 1581
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

Fav 23 8394 1501
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5777 1407
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

Fav 9 1535 3330
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

Fav 15 4162 1882
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

Fav 8 3473 1414
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

Fav 6 1111 3628
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

Fav 12 3931 1589
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

Fav 7 4243 1359
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

Fav 13 7348 1281
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

Fav 12 1789 3710
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

Fav 7 4281 1107
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

Fav 7 5198 1373
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

Fav 6 5762 1182
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.

Fav 11 1338 4430
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

Fav 28 1315 6305
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

Fav 15 4455 1266
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

Fav 19 2566 6960
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

Fav 49 8103 1610
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

Fav 14 5681 1602
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

Fav 143 2754 51380
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

Fav 12 1330 8212
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

Fav 14 1537 5270
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

Fav 30 6069 2327
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

Fav 4 1388 4125
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

Fav 11 4172 1763
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

Fav 14 6420 1516
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

Fav 23 1683 6597
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

Fav 9 1269 4815
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

Fav 15 5616 1415
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

Fav 21 3127 1922
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

Fav 13 6412 1540
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

Fav 17 7496 1344
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

Fav 20 4628 1391
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

Fav 17 1327 10039
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you

Fav 6 1031 3614
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever

Fav 7 1328 5909
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

Fav 18 5030 2183
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

Fav 25 2154 5897
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

Fav 13 6130 1153
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

Fav 6 3879 1121
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

Fav 4 6899 1349
share tweet
(916): View more from California

It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

Fav 25 1572 5093
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

Fav 9 5089 1209
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

Fav 7 4453 1145
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

Fav 17 4482 2290
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

Fav 15 6618 2288
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

Fav 5 5377 2333
share tweet
(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

Fav 55 7409 1866
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.

Fav 5 1206 2735
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

Fav 20 7075 1608
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

Fav 10 4193 1814
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to

Fav 2 1464 3858
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

Fav 5 4646 1524
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

Fav 15 4547 1214
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

Fav 17 2702 5300
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

Fav 29 4269 1627
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

Fav 11 5290 1761
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

Fav 8 4931 1333
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

Fav 17 5354 2021
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

Fav 13 6304 1695
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

Fav 9 2187 3347
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

Fav 14 1393 5838
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

Fav 3 6106 1198
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

Fav 51 11496 1748
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?

Fav 7 1217 4805
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

Fav 5 5201 1205
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

Fav 23 6414 1621
share tweet
(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

Fav 9 5380 1285
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

Fav 9 3730 1356
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

Fav 12 1951 4975
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

Fav 14 2015 7686
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

Fav 14 1989 4787
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

Fav 11 5341 1611
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

Fav 9 4904 1851
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

Fav 3 3509 1157
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

Fav 17 4298 1110
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

Fav 28 1728 10651
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

Fav 13 1361 4322
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

Fav 26 5542 1761
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

Fav 16 2858 3688
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

Fav 6 3782 1269
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

Fav 11 4960 1544
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

Fav 9 4387 1536
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

Fav 10 3820 1226
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

Fav 11 1186 4315
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8658 2177
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

Fav 14 5614 1160
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table

Fav 25 1729 4465
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

Fav 18 2154 6408
share tweet
(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

Fav 11 1233 4648
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

Fav 61 7406 1618
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

Fav 7 3970 1759
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

Fav 19 1457 4789
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

Fav 6 4452 2040
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

Fav 10 6067 1274
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

Fav 3 5137 1295
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

Fav 8 3839 1374
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

Fav 16 1532 8194
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

Fav 6 5721 1126
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

Fav 19 4989 1441
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

Fav 15 5587 1659
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

Fav 30 5396 1131
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

Fav 20 9422 1836
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

Fav 13 4924 1181
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

Fav 6 4798 1259
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

Fav 18 5883 1458
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

Fav 10 5039 2421
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

Fav 23 5702 1607
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11144 2456
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

Fav 4 4631 1147
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....

Fav 7 3090 1404
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

Fav 18 6400 1761
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

Fav 26 5772 1568
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

Fav 16 6409 1754
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

Fav 12 1243 4919
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

Fav 8 4344 2262
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

Fav 5 7316 1339
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

Fav 19 5523 1324
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

Fav 7 3737 1309
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

Fav 3 4317 1286
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

Fav 39 2760 5415
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

Fav 12 1835 5825
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

Fav 46 3355 14246
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend

Fav 14 1269 4132
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..

Fav 13 3748 1350
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

Fav 10 6109 1193
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.

Fav 7 1201 3151
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15048 1717
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

Fav 4 3626 1156
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

Fav 20 12259 1657
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

Fav 35 8844 1637
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

Fav 8 3224 1783
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

Fav 4 4947 1010
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

Fav 17 2496 4167
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

Fav 12 4782 1208
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

Fav 15 5695 1388
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

Fav 8 1363 5033
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

Fav 14 3982 1540
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.

Fav 4 1212 2737
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

Fav 50 11813 3022
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

Fav 14 2197 4321
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

Fav 5 4279 1233
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

Fav 23 1403 5726
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

i cant cry in cvs. not again.

Fav 8 1224 3916
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

Fav 20 2740 4768
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

Fav 15 9275 1549
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son

Fav 7 1246 3091
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

Fav 15 8131 1622
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

Fav 8 3801 1277
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

Fav 22 9982 1395
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

Fav 35 4884 1643
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

Fav 9 4347 1346
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

Fav 10 1351 4738
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.

Fav 12 1264 4150
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

Fav 7 6900 2020
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

Fav 6 3937 1193
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

Fav 18 10113 1409
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

Fav 19 1583 3944
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff

Fav 2 3116 1056
share tweet
(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

Fav 11 1266 5125
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.

Fav 9 3736 1504
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

Fav 24 9767 1932
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.

Fav 6 4317 997
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

Fav 20 9617 1698
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

Fav 27 5530 1709
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

Fav 22 5917 1843
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

Fav 20 3608 1460
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

Fav 9 1491 6714
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list

Fav 23 5294 1179
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

Fav 9 3514 1298
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

Fav 37 2547 8179
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

Fav 22 6684 1363
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

Fav 7 4915 1390
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

Fav 15 6021 1684
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.

Fav 6 3852 1385
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

Fav 8 6223 1328
share tweet
(818): View more from California

You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.

Fav 62 1876 6632
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

Fav 22 8498 1425
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what?how do you know?

(318): View more from Louisiana

it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

Fav 10 1619 5009
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

Fav 17 4896 1382
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.

Fav 7 4881 1404
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

Fav 21 1310 2091
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

Fav 12 7149 1675
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

Fav 12 6038 1522
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

Fav 14 6937 1824
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?

(1-906): View more from Michigan

It's okay.

Fav 9 1589 4475
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

Fav 10 4337 1928
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

Fav 11 1974 4404
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

Fav 6 1517 3291
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

Fav 13 5588 1195
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

Fav 11 6132 1546
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

Fav 7 3930 2061
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

Fav 9 5388 1197
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

Fav 16 1493 3212
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people

Fav 28 1566 5830
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

Fav 28 2984 7436
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

Fav 79 16394 3381
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

Fav 10 4741 1490
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3393 6132
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

Fav 7 5161 1233
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

Fav 10 3664 1175
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

Fav 16 1437 4994
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

Fav 27 1892 3581
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

Fav 20 6710 1847
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

Fav 21 9779 1537
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.

Fav 6 1292 3162
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

Fav 91 2155 25267
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

Fav 8 3615 2301
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.

Fav 11 1253 4885
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

Fav 18 1680 9226
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

Fav 14 5316 1726
share tweet
(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

Fav 32 5538 1628
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.

Fav 12 1478 4313
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito

Fav 3 1888 1769
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight

Fav 8 1233 3741
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Fav 43 15732 1824
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

Fav 17 2453 4698
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

Fav 20 1289 4614
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

Fav 29 5249 2251
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

Fav 10 6712 1233
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

Fav 8 3315 1034
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12280 1355
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

Fav 10 5558 1171
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

Fav 18 4676 1569
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

Fav 28 6461 5059
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

Fav 24 5456 1394
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?

Fav 31 2111 4413
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

Fav 16 7489 1417
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

Fav 16 1482 3905
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

Fav 26 1607 7402
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

Fav 7 4468 1738
share tweet
(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

Fav 7 4453 1419
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

Fav 15 2070 4748
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

Fav 5 5463 1221
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

Fav 13 5196 1246
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

Fav 12 1167 6271
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her

Fav 6 1071 4124
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore

(209): View more from California

You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?

Fav 20 1477 4329
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

Fav 3 4643 1139
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

Fav 20 1587 6526
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

Fav 7 3549 1454
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

Fav 16 1738 5761
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

Fav 31 3066 5762
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

Fav 32 8194 2862
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

Fav 10 3358 1848
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

Fav 14 8208 1826
share tweet
(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

Fav 18 5276 2526
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

Fav 11 1532 4350
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

Fav 9 4166 1118
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

Fav 10 1317 3727
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

Fav 10 3909 1852
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

Fav 9 5859 1470
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

Fav 14 2157 6187
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

Fav 20 5351 1955
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

Fav 14 1746 3534
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

Fav 6 4014 1159
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

Fav 15 6202 1334
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.

Fav 15 3239 1265
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

Fav 18 1316 4935
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

Fav 20 4667 1228
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

Fav 35 2012 4433
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.

Fav 6 1164 3554
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

Fav 17 3754 2205
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

Fav 14 1373 4769
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

Fav 9 4011 1109
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

Fav 14 6544 1598
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.

Fav 8 3206 1303
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

Fav 9 6552 1276
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

Fav 28 7183 2134
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

Fav 39 9534 1547
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

Fav 13 8838 1830
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.

Fav 7 1453 3183
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

Fav 42 6028 1858
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

Fav 67 2929 9489
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

Fav 44 2990 6915
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

Fav 17 1620 7570
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

Fav 7 1222 2765
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

Fav 14 5494 1702
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

Fav 14 1299 4105
share tweet
(555): View more from

My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

Fav 17 4793 1773
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

Fav 46 2478 8356
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

Fav 29 2497 4694
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

Fav 15 4863 1402
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

Fav 11 3681 1333
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

Fav 10 1207 4022
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

Fav 34 5643 2508
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

Fav 194 3430 16186
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

Fav 20 1612 3726
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

Fav 15 7179 1875
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

Fav 11 5051 1521
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

Fav 7 4223 1583
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

Fav 26 7119 1684
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

Fav 3 3189 1620
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

Fav 14 5838 1500
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

Fav 4 5637 1401
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

Fav 18 1697 4476
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

Fav 12 2099 7126
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

Fav 8 5418 2255
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

Fav 9 4184 1234
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

Fav 29 1582 6872
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

Fav 89 1805 10579
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

Fav 14 4414 1564
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

Fav 17 1963 6114
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

Fav 9 2146 7372
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

Fav 26 2250 16877
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

Fav 30 12865 2259
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

Fav 14 4700 1274
share tweet
(530): View more from California

There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.

Fav 12 3435 1349
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

Fav 2 4022 1476
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.

Fav 4 3346 1118
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

Fav 24 7649 1967
share tweet
(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

Fav 10 9943 1338
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

Fav 6 5805 1336
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

Fav 31 4149 1433
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

Fav 35 1857 7079
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

Fav 12 2650 4562
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8396 1570
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

Fav 12 1562 4092
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

Fav 13 5303 1615
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

Fav 26 7133 1856
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

Fav 25 4140 2059
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

Fav 9 4058 1732
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

Fav 23 4609 1981
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7340 1516
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

Fav 8 5181 1431
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

Fav 23 1722 4921
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

Fav 10 4556 1352
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

Fav 33 5152 1422
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

Fav 12 10344 1459
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

Fav 15 7326 2399
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

Fav 11 7428 1904
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

Fav 10 3892 1810
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

Fav 6 5451 1164
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

Fav 17 4961 1382
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

Fav 8 3070 1260
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

Fav 25 3881 2021
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

Fav 14 6715 1424
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!

Fav 11 3452 1301
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

Fav 25 2287 6763
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

Fav 22 5545 1442
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21684 2537
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.

Fav 11 4610 1341
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

Fav 8 4888 1259
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

Fav 25 2756 4860
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

Fav 11 4359 1125
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

Fav 28 5625 1900
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

Fav 12 4079 1520
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

Fav 11 5153 1378
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl

Fav 15 1151 5290
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

Fav 11 6660 1386
share tweet
(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

Fav 9 4484 1691
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad

Fav 19 1439 3108
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

Fav 8 5216 1414
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

Fav 15 2939 4478
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

Fav 5 5623 1730
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

Fav 36 7779 1688
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.

Fav 18 3968 1268
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

Fav 46 5183 2057
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

Fav 40 5321 1962
share tweet
(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

Fav 22 6692 1493
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

Fav 12 1013 4511
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

Fav 18 7586 1160
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

Fav 9 4958 1352
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

Fav 8 6407 1420
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27830 2972
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

Fav 43 4484 4870
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

Fav 23 7649 1474
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

Fav 25 5402 4083
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

Fav 36 2083 5225
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

Fav 25 5021 1737
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

Fav 31 10066 1718
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.

Fav 23 4991 1364
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

Fav 13 1392 4336
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

Fav 33 9232 1481
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

Fav 20 9153 1824
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention

Fav 7 1084 3923
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

Fav 14 1386 4497
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

Fav 7 5023 1553
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11592 1816
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8057 1427
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

Fav 39 7218 1459
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

Fav 11 3921 1251
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

Fav 15 1454 4456
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.

Fav 2 3702 1038
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

Fav 20 5233 1587
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

Fav 8 4510 1445
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

Fav 26 6528 4123
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

Fav 15 5700 1824
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

Fav 35 8667 1553
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

Fav 62 6987 2334
share tweet
(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

Fav 74 5390 1697
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

Fav 23 6323 1560
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

Fav 11 4184 1202
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

Fav 34 8326 2178
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

Fav 6 4764 1431
share tweet
(760): View more from California

You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

Fav 11 1269 4459
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

Fav 34 1825 4822
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

Fav 16 4140 1445
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

Fav 36 6932 1671
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

Fav 49 6464 5024
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment

(757): View more from Virginia

Personally I think it's a tremendous investment

Fav 8 3096 1080
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

Fav 10 6669 1375
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

Fav 22 4622 2007
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

Fav 26 7919 1644
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

Fav 21 4312 1180
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

Fav 27 4676 1268
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

Fav 7 4511 1405
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

Fav 13 2573 4133
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

Fav 20 6306 3382
share tweet
(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

Fav 15 5678 1582
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

Fav 20 6907 1334
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 5639 1758
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had

Fav 11 3362 1880
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..

Fav 13 1304 3559
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

Fav 28 4471 2540
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

Fav 79 2893 8545
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

Fav 11 3655 1343
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

Fav 16 4106 1125
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23538 2196
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

Fav 20 5591 1745
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

Fav 25 9271 1457
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

Fav 15 7298 1498
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

Fav 23 10453 1467
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

Fav 18 7045 1554
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

Fav 9 7985 1517
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

Fav 8 6013 1622
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

Fav 60 3557 9004
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!

Fav 18 1601 4867
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

Fav 46 1409 5706
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

Fav 19 5651 1313
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

Fav 10 4943 1338
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

Fav 10 6004 1995
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

Fav 24 6700 1625
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

Fav 18 1308 4004
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

Fav 12 10664 1694
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

Fav 15 5102 1689
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

Fav 10 6667 1524
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

Fav 30 5356 4252
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

Fav 11 5110 1542
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

Fav 46 10718 1840
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

Fav 22 1793 4310
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7942 2013
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

Fav 13 1885 5599
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.

Fav 17 1344 3536
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

Fav 44 4892 3144
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15606 1981
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

Fav 28 7455 1778
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

Fav 17 1235 6686
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

Fav 11 4008 2069
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

Fav 18 8808 1589
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

Fav 20 1512 6471
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

Fav 67 2213 4895
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

Fav 20 1929 5173
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

Fav 12 1763 5720
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

Fav 27 7490 1739
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

Fav 19 4842 2349
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

Fav 14 1699 4707
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

Fav 39 5441 3196
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

Fav 11 1808 4665
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

Fav 30 1681 4402
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

Fav 40 5081 2431
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

Fav 25 6768 1622
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

Fav 7 6152 1422
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

Fav 21 1780 5037
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement

Fav 8 4190 1548
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

Fav 10 1544 5948
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

Fav 24 6777 1534
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.

Fav 12 4725 1244
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

Fav 21 2232 5021
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

Fav 15 4813 1453
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

Fav 5 1529 3582
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

Fav 15 4896 1633
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.

Fav 17 1225 7259
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

Fav 58 1583 5912
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

Fav 9 1535 4729
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.

Fav 16 1762 3948
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.

Fav 31 5004 1568
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

Fav 27 1599 7595
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

Fav 22 5441 1799
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

Fav 13 2429 3991
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13248 2051
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

Fav 46 9216 1500
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

Fav 17 2147 5275
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

Fav 13 1613 6642
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

Fav 74 15617 1661
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

Fav 36 7700 2443
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

Fav 44 1689 8934
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I spit up blood this morning

(206): View more from Washington

That's vegas.

Fav 8 4095 1816
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.

Fav 12 1256 5576
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

Fav 14 9657 2036
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

Fav 20 1804 7117
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

Fav 26 6694 2352
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

Fav 12 3259 3094
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

Fav 24 7440 1896
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

Fav 23 4432 1951
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

Fav 28 5744 1676
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

Fav 15 1040 5182
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

Fav 19 5594 2123
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20509 2054
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

Fav 16 1900 5914
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

Fav 20 5377 1355
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2739 5168
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

Fav 10 1977 4547
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

Fav 21 7092 2675
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.

Fav 13 1892 4658
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

Fav 11 5918 2177
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

Fav 10 6224 1602
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

Fav 19 4499 1622
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

Fav 23 8640 1945
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

Fav 15 1974 6250
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

Fav 24 8034 2437
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

Fav 38 7409 1707
share tweet
(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

Fav 28 4891 2180
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

Fav 12 6162 1587
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8746 5540
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

Fav 14 9394 1292
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

Fav 29 5634 1887
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

Fav 13 6811 2591
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

Fav 49 6927 3283
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

Fav 20 1746 5277
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

Fav 43 2848 5350
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.

Fav 8 3932 1211
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.

Fav 7 1114 4721
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(

Fav 18 1175 7471
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

Fav 8 7513 1372
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

Fav 30 3293 7996
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM

Fav 6 1153 5852
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

Fav 18 4984 1256
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

Fav 14 2121 3773
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

Fav 25 6376 2192
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

Fav 10 5655 1572
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.

Fav 32 1863 5569
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

Fav 29 7270 1952
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

Fav 25 6159 1635
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

Fav 29 2233 6491
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

Fav 15 5693 2062
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

Fav 19 4634 2963
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

Fav 8 1231 3735
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.

Fav 15 1010 5590
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

Fav 53 1995 8227
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

Fav 48 1724 10221
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

Fav 51 14289 1960
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

Fav 64 5466 1936
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

Fav 19 1845 4833
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

Fav 21 5343 1646
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

Fav 43 1357 6611
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

Fav 23 2709 4651
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

Fav 9 4500 1150
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

Fav 11 4162 1519
share tweet
(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

Fav 13 1974 6364
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

Fav 36 7080 1758
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

Fav 23 2676 4950
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

Fav 30 6697 1794
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

Fav 34 2160 4719
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

Fav 24 1623 5320
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

Fav 14 7083 1453
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

Fav 39 11791 2285
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

Fav 36 16126 1595
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

Fav 22 4958 2474
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

Fav 16 4814 1430
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

Fav 34 8629 1337
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

Fav 25 5817 1429
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

Fav 15 4510 2718
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

Fav 24 6182 1415
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

Fav 15 6978 1464
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

Fav 10 1890 3771
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

Fav 11 1523 5369
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

Fav 11 1216 4409
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

Fav 20 5587 1537
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

Fav 9 5455 1356
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.

Fav 10 942 4612
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

Fav 32 8124 1552
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

Fav 35 15048 1813
share tweet
(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

Fav 81 10752 3306
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

Fav 6 7173 1869
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

Fav 14 1549 5262
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

Fav 9 5707 1402
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

Fav 38 6986 2010
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

Fav 63 9961 1582
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

Fav 47 6992 1900
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

Fav 26 10301 1576
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10989 1771
share tweet
(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

Fav 22 9116 1660
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

Fav 17 9767 1649
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

Fav 31 5800 1508
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

Fav 14 1857 4206
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.

Fav 26 1079 5578
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?

(954): View more from Florida

In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?

Fav 100 1833 8677
share tweet
(619): View more from California

When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

Fav 27 1375 7889
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

Fav 36 7955 1857
share tweet
(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

Fav 48 11107 1525
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

Fav 23 1945 8087
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

Fav 19 8761 1467
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

Fav 155 8592 8963
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

Fav 40 1994 6097
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10199 1911
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

Fav 137 7391 5951
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

Fav 19 2028 4377
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.

Fav 17 1552 4180
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

Fav 28 5532 2163
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.

Fav 32 990 9010
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

Fav 28 8451 1677
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

Fav 18 1309 4485
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

Fav 42 6661 2122
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.

Fav 24 1177 3937
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

Fav 13 4753 1334
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

Fav 11 1009 3278
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

Fav 71 1835 6691
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

Fav 11 4693 1670
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

Fav 15 5653 1769
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

Fav 18 4891 1487
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

Fav 21 7699 2005
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6506 1539
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10798 1960
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 34 3666 4724
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.

Fav 34 1139 7495
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

Fav 16 5194 1601
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

Fav 29 6538 1495
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

Fav 49 2633 5721
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

Fav 20 3279 2226
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

Fav 14 6200 1430
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5323 9044
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

Fav 25 9952 1391
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

Fav 18 5906 1384
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

Fav 31 1953 5272
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.

Fav 23 2421 3981
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?

Fav 56 1384 6208
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

Fav 40 6836 1956
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

Fav 22 6507 1692
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

Fav 36 7000 1853
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka

Fav 13 1306 6001
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

Fav 32 11539 1646
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.

Fav 25 3686 2433
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

Fav 18 4522 1432
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

Fav 43 1599 4851
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her

Fav 36 1963 4631
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Fav 32 17989 1844
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

Fav 28 1688 7886
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

Fav 33 7060 1977
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

Fav 19 5679 2998
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

Fav 18 4236 1912
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

Fav 12 5047 1395
share tweet
(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

Fav 32 2139 5445
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

Fav 16 5398 1185
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun

Fav 13 2962 1537
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

Fav 49 9826 1848
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

Fav 15 4952 1834
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

Fav 26 2485 5612
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

Fav 15 6193 1810
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face

Fav 23 3985 2018
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?

Fav 23 2123 4506
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13888 6048
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

Fav 31 7960 1414
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

Fav 17 6211 1358
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

Fav 12 5872 1412
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

Fav 21 4178 1952
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

Fav 9 5421 1452
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17986 2069
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

Fav 37 9743 1574
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

Fav 22 8925 1836
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

Fav 19 3283 6282
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet

Fav 22 1371 6370
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

Fav 35 9950 1588
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

Fav 16 6618 1433
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

Fav 39 1698 8059
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

Fav 13 9460 1516
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

Fav 17 10970 2032
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

Fav 12 5152 1943
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

Fav 11 9632 1519
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

Fav 15 7362 1354
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

Fav 33 1543 8978
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.

Fav 8 3374 1248
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

Fav 12 8812 1434
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15629 1739
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

Fav 62 3683 5437
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

Fav 50 4011 5843
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

Fav 41 11927 1832
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

Fav 38 10918 2515
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

Fav 13 7178 1237
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

Fav 21 6468 1363
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

Fav 8 4779 1986
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

Fav 38 5536 1947
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

Fav 46 6836 1705
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

Fav 21 10396 1578
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

Fav 32 6243 3971
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

Fav 9 1917 4825
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure

Fav 7 3703 1325
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.

Fav 7 4793 1098
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

Fav 24 1677 5593
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14042 1744
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

Fav 25 5404 2646
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

Fav 65 6791 1734
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

Fav 11 5677 1314
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

Fav 72 18827 3096
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

Fav 13 5799 1551
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

Fav 26 6382 1365
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

Fav 20 6646 1543
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

Fav 15 4111 3170
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9450 1868
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

Fav 111 2195 8351
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

Fav 30 7829 3210
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

Fav 13 6540 1519
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8166 1577
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17640 1901
share tweet
(420): View more from

So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth

Fav 18 1235 6763
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

Fav 24 9467 1443
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

Fav 16 5633 1329
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

Fav 13 5155 1240
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

Fav 35 7052 1257
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had

Fav 16 5110 1238
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds

Fav 29 1216 3954
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

Fav 25 7897 1433
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well

Fav 6 3442 1219
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

Fav 26 6852 1319
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21328 2346
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

Fav 32 3109 5030
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

Fav 21 7439 1427
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

Fav 12 4638 1564
share tweet
(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Fav 23 7118 1809
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

Fav 10 6193 1673
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

Fav 23 1510 5325
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8658 3025
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

Fav 31 9358 1965
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2148
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

Fav 30 10277 2649
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

Fav 59 2674 9130
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

Fav 19 2187 5870
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

Fav 6 5974 1385
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

Fav 23 4460 1578
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

Fav 14 6021 1619
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

Fav 22 7508 1826
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

Fav 16 7771 1280
share tweet
(+81): View more from

Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me

Fav 28 4734 1185
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

Fav 69 2166 26612
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

Fav 32 1589 7587
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.

Fav 16 5128 1711
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.

Fav 21 5473 1531
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

Fav 10 7980 1302
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

Fav 19 7180 1592
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

Fav 19 7983 1594
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

Fav 21 1900 5944
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

Fav 22 10539 1449
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

Fav 23 6111 1515
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

Fav 56 9403 1994
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

Fav 43 20361 1802
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

Fav 17 9676 1693
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

Fav 19 1736 6582
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Fav 19 5930 1334
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

Fav 18 8069 1460
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

Fav 22 2595 4862
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

Fav 9 4568 1576
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

Fav 12 1232 7508
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

Fav 12 5648 1362
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

Fav 15 1466 5965
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

Fav 21 3921 2483
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.

Fav 5 1233 5481
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

Fav 15 6297 1798
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

Fav 20 4685 1323
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

Fav 19 2671 6452
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

Fav 16 5234 1895
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

Fav 11 2396 5072
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

Fav 12 7474 1322
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Fav 61 11285 2281
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

Fav 23 2014 5344
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

Fav 18 6091 1869
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

Fav 34 2023 5094
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

Fav 8 3662 4436
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

Fav 9 8210 1269
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

Fav 24 12045 1680
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

Fav 13 5939 1458
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

Fav 14 6993 1557
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.

Fav 17 1247 5853
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

Fav 29 5702 2388
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8519 2976
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

Fav 22 6437 1337
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

Fav 20 3260 4616
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48820 2421
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2401
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

Fav 58 1770 9259
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

Fav 17 1602 6073
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

Fav 20 6774 1610
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

Fav 19 9377 1345
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

Fav 24 9142 1936
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.

Fav 12 3074 1881
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13585 1851
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

Fav 15 5276 1615
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

Fav 15 5355 1271
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

Fav 19 5820 1694
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

Fav 9 2591 6922
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

Fav 15 8663 1514
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

Fav 29 7340 1360
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in

Fav 5 4373 1697
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

Fav 36 8232 1682
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

Fav 74 2721 9388
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

Fav 9 8476 1638
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

Fav 34 4830 1846
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

Fav 7 1255 6337
share tweet
(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

Fav 24 12390 1705
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

Fav 13 6367 1223
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

Fav 28 4186 6034
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

Fav 37 9189 3480
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

Fav 28 2065 8112
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

Fav 16 5546 3889
share tweet
(858): View more from California

threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

Fav 13 4801 1163
share tweet
(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

Fav 24 8021 1325
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

Fav 13 4549 2124
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

Fav 52 2158 8596
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

Fav 22 2195 11018
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

Fav 89 2282 26954
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

Fav 25 2154 6475
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

Fav 29 4518 1375
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

(806): View more from Texas

i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

Fav 13 5014 1573
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11135 2013
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

Fav 44 7730 4429
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

Fav 33 6278 3313
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

Fav 16 1476 6022
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8144 1694
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

Fav 11 5765 1434
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

Fav 10 5290 1147
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"

Fav 52 1179 5429
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

Fav 14 1788 5803
share tweet
(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

Fav 7 5825 1508
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

Fav 20 8976 1504
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

Fav 18 8469 1464
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

Fav 63 7110 2490
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

Fav 31 5915 1419
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

Fav 26 4949 2770
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

Fav 11 8458 1524
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

Fav 8 4693 1352
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

Fav 33 2017 14227
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

Fav 6 4741 1031
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

Fav 9 5796 2559
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

Fav 26 4755 2289
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

Fav 17 4014 3450
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

Fav 10 7782 1218
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

Fav 39 8934 1602
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

Fav 16 1235 6564
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

Fav 11 5061 1091
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

Fav 19 1868 5124
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

Fav 21 1739 5826
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

Fav 29 2443 6619
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

Fav 25 5781 1495
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

Fav 43 1410 9192
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

Fav 40 15155 1517
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2006
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…

Fav 3 2346 1019
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

Fav 20 1284 8029
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

Fav 15 7066 1935
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

Fav 19 6430 1318
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

Fav 15 1168 6867
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

Fav 18 6142 1869
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

Fav 13 4020 1460
share tweet
(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

Fav 37 1491 7816
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

Fav 24 6558 1654
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39278 2240
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

Fav 13 9123 1338
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

Fav 17 6786 1651
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

Fav 15 1725 7290
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

Fav 23 5623 1734
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

Fav 21 5851 2191
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

Fav 16 10264 1487
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

Fav 41 18826 1666
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

Fav 13 5208 1874
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

Fav 10 7085 1438
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

Fav 7 4305 1471
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Fav 26 18309 1754
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.

Fav 8 1119 4254
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

Fav 15 2012 4495
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

Fav 12 1949 4864
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

Fav 44 2281 7315
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

Fav 16 6850 1369
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

Fav 18 4865 1495
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9193 1747
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.

Fav 35 1434 7692
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was

Fav 14 7575 3669
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

Fav 18 2081 5351
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

Fav 10 5305 1231
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12763 2275
share tweet
(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

Fav 27 5980 1799
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

Fav 11 4849 1278
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

Fav 12 6209 1253
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

Fav 21 7495 1198
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

Fav 47 5630 1828
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

Fav 16 7076 1379
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2221
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2180 10532
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold

Fav 81 5538 1944
share tweet
(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

Fav 20 6099 1585
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

Fav 23 1327 11735
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

Fav 6 9304 1556
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

Fav 20 6517 1365
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME

Fav 23 3845 1754
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

Fav 5 6298 1518
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

Fav 13 4633 2192
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

Fav 41 8702 1861
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

Fav 99 4163 9542
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

Fav 42 6286 1721
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

Fav 6 1344 3810
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8631 2805
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

Fav 15 6760 1258
share tweet
(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

Fav 15 4892 1933
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

Fav 13 4678 1113
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

Fav 5 6064 1288
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

Fav 17 8703 1538
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17223 1868
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10303 1562
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35242 2055
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1789
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

Fav 17 4711 2301
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...

Fav 4 1114 3313
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

Fav 22 9145 1731
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

Fav 25 6046 1526
share tweet
(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

Fav 35 8827 2332
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2361
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

Fav 21 5005 1498
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10417 2114
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

Fav 19 1435 9650
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

Fav 21 6059 1465
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

Fav 15 4405 1422
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

Fav 20 1253 6075
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

Fav 13 5051 1625
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

Fav 15 5541 1428
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

Fav 8 5040 1419
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

Fav 21 2232 5312
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1488
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

Fav 20 6796 1374
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

Fav 14 5365 1529
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

Fav 18 1422 7029
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

Fav 10 3789 1280
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

Fav 10 4418 1265
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

Fav 38 5419 2363
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

Fav 46 2794 4999
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

Fav 28 1669 7444
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

Fav 11 7217 1577
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9445 1835
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

Fav 15 4924 1273
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?

Fav 21 4891 1282
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

Fav 52 10723 1659
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

Fav 14 5262 1456
share tweet
(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

Fav 11 2099 3587
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.

Fav 11 1173 3679
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

Fav 21 1312 4998
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

Fav 18 1949 4268
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

Fav 42 5698 2013
share tweet
(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

Fav 24 4534 1453
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

Fav 27 7187 1992
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

Fav 47 1178 9896
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3969 12928
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

Fav 21 8765 1302
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

Fav 25 1617 5143
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

Fav 21 1693 5750
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

Fav 29 6238 1766
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

Fav 28 2046 7208
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

Fav 29 2613 5356
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

Fav 101 10828 3428
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

Fav 16 5335 1612
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

Fav 28 5353 2033
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

Fav 21 2028 5765
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??

Fav 19 3503 2342
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

Fav 7 1213 4010
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

Fav 18 1559 6717
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

Fav 21 9507 1597
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

Fav 33 6480 2290
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

Fav 40 1935 14477
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

Fav 13 8242 1408
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

Fav 11 1865 4803
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

Fav 53 1585 11236
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

Fav 13 5732 1259
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

Fav 23 2054 5131
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

Fav 13 11341 1578
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

Fav 17 5564 1387
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

Fav 19 7596 1910
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

Fav 13 5624 1674
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

Fav 13 1356 4070
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

Fav 39 11388 1667
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20509 2510
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26486 2347
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

Fav 21 1245 6986
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

Fav 100 3200 7982
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

Fav 14 5737 1176
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

Fav 16 5921 1538
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

Fav 24 5315 2859
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

Fav 8 5684 1259
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

Fav 21 6524 1088
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

Fav 79 2496 11511
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

Fav 22 3725 3692
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

Fav 21 4092 1874
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

Fav 25 8214 1430
share tweet
(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

Fav 22 6081 2578
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9227 1761
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

Fav 14 4917 1527
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?

Fav 15 4794 1118
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12099 1498
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7276 2893
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

Fav 41 6091 2070
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

Fav 16 5808 1316
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

Fav 22 6365 1861
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

Fav 38 9215 2249
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

Fav 19 7012 1802
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

Fav 27 6805 1688
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

Fav 47 2667 6715
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.

Fav 11 3822 1459
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

Fav 60 7512 1553
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10952 1545
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

Fav 18 2406 5853
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

Fav 47 10191 2535
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5434 9844
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

Fav 15 5564 1461
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

Fav 29 4730 3816
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

Fav 41 2223 9441
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

Fav 21 5669 2256
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

Fav 39 12056 1934
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9028 1510
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.

Fav 19 6295 1274
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

Fav 23 6996 1200
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9414 1606
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

Fav 17 1250 8745
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

Fav 15 1607 4716
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

Fav 19 5456 1480
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

Fav 27 4771 1133
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

Fav 24 1653 8062
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10047 1751
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

Fav 13 5158 1693
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

Fav 18 6893 1522
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

Fav 24 5935 1907
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

Fav 5 3932 1512
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7487 1936
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

Fav 29 6871 1549
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

Fav 36 7573 1692
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

Fav 28 1553 10166
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1451
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

Fav 15 9500 1377
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7537 1410
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13878 1722
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

Fav 23 1492 5938
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

Fav 14 6070 1510
share tweet
(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

Fav 15 5119 1391
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

Fav 32 9287 2093
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

Fav 17 7996 1564
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

Fav 30 6596 1441
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

Fav 40 5409 3693
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

Fav 13 1853 5076
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

Fav 16 7230 2709
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

Fav 16 6600 1380
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

Fav 48 3165 9945
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

Fav 17 7064 2527
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1640
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

Fav 20 8897 1670
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5918
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1738 9113
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

Fav 9 5064 1455
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

Fav 63 11142 2060
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

Fav 19 5258 2395
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

Fav 19 7423 2466
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

Fav 17 9342 1220
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21338 2214
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9259 1361
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???

Fav 22 1347 5267
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

Fav 20 9453 2163
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8268 1527
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

Fav 21 1598 4687
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11655 1540
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

Fav 21 8682 1232
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

Fav 18 5492 1240
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

Fav 14 7158 1813
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

Fav 42 1769 15027
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.

Fav 32 3637 1341
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

Fav 25 6648 1379
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12016 1275
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

Fav 50 6595 2294
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

Fav 16 2971 1197
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was

Fav 51 1401 9293
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

Fav 44 8983 1374
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

Fav 21 1056 6475
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I'm in your bed right now

(240): View more from Maryland

Okay meet you there give me 10

(703): View more from Virginia

Don't think you can make me leave either

(240): View more from Maryland

Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you

Fav 6 2395 937
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

Fav 65 7750 1837
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

Fav 46 13845 2508
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

Fav 20 12045 1490
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"

Fav 14 6153 1304
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

Fav 6 5746 1040
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

Fav 17 1411 6313
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

Fav 12 1269 5349
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

Fav 38 12620 1473
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

Fav 10 6533 1127
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight

Fav 11 4434 1198
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

Fav 16 2652 6117
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

Fav 36 10568 3673
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.

Fav 10 5378 1135
share tweet
(831): View more from California

i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?

Fav 5 5268 1329
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

Fav 15 5145 1176
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

Fav 33 8507 1788
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

Fav 9 6046 1348
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

Fav 18 5498 1235
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

Fav 21 1599 5949
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1913
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

Fav 21 6648 1630
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

Fav 14 6060 1111
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

Fav 22 7664 1537
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

Fav 32 6740 1188
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.

Fav 24 1204 5694
share tweet
(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

Fav 23 6492 1836
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

Fav 18 5703 3122
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

Fav 60 2674 5454
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17405 3209
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

Fav 18 7848 1714
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

Fav 20 3096 4806
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

Fav 70 1564 11719
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13371 1544
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad

Fav 15 4939 1120
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

Fav 9 6110 1570
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

Fav 22 1325 7330
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

Fav 38 6662 2360
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

Fav 23 10265 2750
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

Fav 45 4726 1641
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

Fav 20 8141 1546
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9195 1573
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

Fav 14 1556 5099
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

Fav 6 8395 1363
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme

Fav 10 4209 1164
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22476 1748
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15043 1680
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

Fav 18 1318 4969
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

Fav 9 3502 2059
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

Fav 31 2035 6922
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29371 2498
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?

Fav 16 1766 5590
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

Fav 14 2012 4895
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

Fav 16 5292 1854
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

Fav 11 4898 1685
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

Fav 17 1361 4246
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

Fav 17 6574 1278
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.

Fav 6 1197 6148
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

Fav 32 1687 9258
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

Fav 68 4280 11959
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

Fav 46 2269 9936
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

Fav 21 2711 5162
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

Fav 19 5808 1437
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

Fav 79 4361 8144
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28705 1989
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

Fav 15 6415 1581
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

Fav 12 2565 4544
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

Fav 15 7174 1508
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

Fav 22 11987 1527
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Fav 45 10963 4723
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

Fav 24 7916 2103
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

Fav 16 6835 1825
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

Fav 21 7758 2168
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1674 14428
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

Fav 12 9336 1347
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

Fav 18 7997 1548
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

Fav 10 6146 1362
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

Fav 19 6725 1552
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

Fav 9 5217 1507
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

Fav 11 5698 2651
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

Fav 32 7865 1628
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

Fav 30 8451 1492
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

Fav 28 1459 5663
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

Fav 28 6516 2107
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

Fav 22 7777 2113
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

Fav 11 5321 1316
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

Fav 22 8325 1515
share tweet
(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

Fav 24 1338 7796
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

Fav 134 1444 8890
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

Fav 35 7367 1531
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20095 2060
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11547 1662
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

Fav 10 6240 1267
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

Fav 21 5206 2132
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

Fav 17 6220 1634
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7321
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

Fav 36 7865 1248
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

Fav 11 1871 5428
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

Fav 25 2039 6237
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

Fav 16 4599 3506
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

Fav 13 10098 2199
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

Fav 48 9210 1625
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight

Fav 22 3944 1677
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

Fav 21 6673 1822
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

Fav 100 12761 2345
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

Fav 9 2375 6139
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

Fav 41 1227 9640
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

Fav 52 1486 7163
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out

Fav 4 1107 5702
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10306 1445
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.

Fav 20 4595 1467
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

Fav 25 5827 1545
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud

Fav 18 5495 1175
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

Fav 11 1807 6863
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26958 5266
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.

Fav 24 1373 5254
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.

Fav 20 1279 6950
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

Fav 50 6984 2587
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

Fav 7 6213 2422
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

That's cool how's he been?

(404): View more from Georgia

He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.

Fav 6 5063 2248
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

Fav 79 9390 3614
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

Fav 12 2347 4187
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

Fav 11 2104 6350
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

Fav 20 7968 1441
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

Fav 16 6765 1430
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

Fav 37 3794 5113
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

Fav 52 12946 3240
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13674 1976
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

Fav 33 9766 1664
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.

Fav 12 4845 1372
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

Fav 13 7530 1546
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

Fav 14 7549 1355
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1879
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

Fav 10 6981 1413
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

Fav 24 7458 1565
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

Fav 27 6467 2811
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19432 1705
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1640
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

Fav 13 5026 3807
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

Fav 16 2749 5787
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

Fav 16 5674 1838
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

Fav 17 6772 1625
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

Fav 36 1616 9655
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

Fav 11 5230 1650
share tweet
(650): View more from California

you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"

Fav 4 2999 1294
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14193 1980
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9942 1892
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

Fav 31 1580 5070
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

Fav 22 9821 1544
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

Fav 11 8118 1669
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

Fav 43 1752 6873
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

Fav 7 1745 4283
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

Fav 16 7685 1514
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

Fav 32 6039 2148
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

Fav 5 4764 1594
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

Fav 15 6776 1865
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

Fav 23 6494 1518
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

Fav 7 5154 1217
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

Fav 33 10157 1610
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

Fav 49 11786 3050
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

Fav 37 1675 9820
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?

Fav 56 1347 10085
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

Fav 7 4251 1446
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8915 1552
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

Fav 16 11358 1470
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7587
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13864 2497
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15842 1928
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

Fav 21 7536 1373
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

Fav 25 7330 1246
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

Fav 31 12931 1961
share tweet
(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

Fav 20 7676 1929
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

Fav 54 12864 2495
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

Fav 64 1891 4641
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

Fav 33 11339 1794
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

Fav 15 8082 1601
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

Fav 16 7697 1331
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

Fav 6 1084 4543
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

Fav 24 8473 1577
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

Fav 6 6004 1086
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

Fav 22 7343 1466
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

Fav 27 8182 1462
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

Fav 4 6910 1216
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

Fav 16 6925 1292
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

Fav 26 8368 1632
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

Fav 17 6315 1546
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

Fav 56 4203 3307
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

Fav 26 15519 1464
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

Fav 15 5893 1372
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

Fav 10 5882 1273
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

Fav 41 1528 3260
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.

Fav 17 3170 1176
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

Fav 24 4731 1220
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

Fav 13 4965 1414
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.

Fav 15 1561 3513
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

Fav 5 5325 1082
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

Fav 13 6239 1333
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

Fav 15 7185 1221
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

Fav 13 6368 1473
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.

Fav 7 3925 1146
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

Fav 30 5131 1449
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

Fav 13 3943 1240
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

Fav 12 6127 1281
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

Fav 19 5963 1679
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

Fav 17 5943 1651
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail

Fav 9 3132 1609
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

Fav 36 9286 1419
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8190 4876
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

Fav 7 6300 1571
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

Fav 6 4123 1304
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

Fav 25 2349 4340
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.

Fav 5 1259 3474
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

Fav 15 6905 1508
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

Fav 19 6154 1567
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

Fav 10 5068 1241
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

Fav 12 4092 1333
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

Fav 19 7262 1772
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?

Fav 2 1274 3482
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

Fav 29 8909 1453
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

Fav 26 6431 1402
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

Fav 56 1643 14040
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

Fav 26 7562 1307
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

Fav 14 1977 5547
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

Fav 34 2764 6019
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

Fav 10 6663 1655
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3445
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

(716): View more from New York

gotta love spring break

(845): View more from New York

gotta love slutty girls from the south

Fav 24 5319 1335
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

Fav 20 1364 4993
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

Fav 32 9115 1379
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

Fav 28 1569 5607
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

Fav 13 4852 1331
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

Fav 15 4369 5277
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?

Fav 14 4777 1253
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

Fav 11 4413 1125
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

Fav 10 8257 1097
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

Fav 14 3937 1753
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

Fav 26 1501 8273
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

Fav 73 4665 6779
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

Fav 35 1412 13140
share tweet
(760): View more from California

You did not just play the dead husband card again.

Fav 20 1370 5709
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

Fav 37 6828 2217
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

Fav 22 1408 7669
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

Fav 19 1937 6614
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

Fav 32 8984 1291
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

Fav 12 5290 1409
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

Fav 44 7422 1483
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

Fav 34 2831 11410
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

Fav 19 5641 1795
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

Fav 19 6330 2578
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Fav 117 3543 12406
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

Fav 15 12569 1417
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

Fav 19 7403 1255
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

Fav 20 5878 1863
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

Fav 32 10350 1513
share tweet
(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

Fav 43 1816 14812
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it

Fav 11 1258 4122
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29357 1874
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7395 1981
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

Fav 20 8295 1532
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

Fav 26 7997 2392
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

Fav 20 3813 6190
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

Fav 29 8587 1925
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

Fav 8 5090 1268
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

Fav 13 8088 1284
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

Fav 27 9351 3734
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6900 7365
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

Fav 28 4329 6051
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

Fav 21 6965 1896
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

Fav 13 9188 1674
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

Fav 23 2493 7210
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned

Fav 6 1255 5125
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

Fav 7 1742 4904
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

Fav 52 2249 10618
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

Fav 46 6426 9143
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

Fav 38 15409 1936
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

Fav 7 6613 1469
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

Fav 49 2604 9763
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12917 2200
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

Fav 26 1518 6990
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?

Fav 16 1466 5534
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2389 14609
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

Fav 65 1881 20123
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup

Fav 11 1325 4710
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

Fav 12 5216 1695
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

Fav 10 6567 1161
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

Fav 9 5883 1126
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.

Fav 21 4839 2108
share tweet
(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

Fav 30 2420 10501
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.

Fav 14 1208 5531
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star

Fav 11 3969 1386
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?

Fav 29 4567 1415
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

Fav 25 24631 1589
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1750
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

Fav 56 1894 6423
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze

Fav 51 1308 7872
share tweet
(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

Fav 14 9827 1822
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

Fav 29 6142 1216
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

Fav 12 4371 1763
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

Fav 28 5221 1535
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january

Fav 18 6636 1334
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

Fav 15 6582 1474
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

Fav 10 2216 4304
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

Fav 18 7907 1300
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

Fav 16 9670 1498
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

Fav 15 5983 1369
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

Fav 34 11173 1669
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

Fav 25 8818 1440
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

Fav 18 1453 7018
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

Fav 7 2466 4244
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

Fav 17 7015 2321
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

Fav 4 6021 1755
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.

Fav 46 9114 1960
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?

Fav 26 5833 1233
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6232 1621
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate

Fav 15 2157 3613
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life

Fav 27 4846 1439
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

Fav 10 4221 1485
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

Fav 16 5869 1521
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

Fav 19 1777 4910
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26505 1662
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?

Fav 52 12722 1287
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

Fav 3 1770 805
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

Fav 52 8983 1620
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

Fav 22 2545 6839
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

Fav 51 10861 1878
share tweet