Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
