its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
