so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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