Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
