Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
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