Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
