i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
