if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
