The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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