The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
