I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
