She went from zero to smokin in five shots
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
