Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
