Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she pinky promised me she was 18
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
