Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
